Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Blogosfear

Intro | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8.

"It was a dark and stormy night.

The wind howled through stark leafless trees as cold, fat raindrops hurled themselves against the window pane. I stood shivering as around me the old house creaked in the storm. Lightning flashed in the distance, illuminating the old farmhouse while the lights of passing cars threw strange shadows on a wall where no shadows should be. All of a sudden

- "No, Darragh. Just, no."

- "Sorry, honey?"

-" You shouldn't be reading that sort of thing to him. You know it might give him a bad dream. Besides, it's awful writing. It's typical, contrite and forced narrative with no creativity, hyperbolic overtones and with the worst opening line ever. "It was a dark and stormy night?" Please!"

Daddy turns to me and says "Sorry buddy, but maybe she's right. Besides, it won't be long 'till we're there."

I didn't mind. I was happy with Wupet in the back seat looking out at the road. I'd been playing i spy with him and so far we'd spotted 8 red caws, 3 scarecwows, 2 black baa lambs and loads of moo cows. If I can see just one amblense I'll win and Wupet will be a big silly billy poo face again. He never wins, but he is a bayo with only one eye so that might have something to do with it.

I smile at Daddy who is still looking at me. I like being in the car with Daddy and Mammy. We are taking a trip to a hotel, Daddy says, so we can have some fambley time. He's been working really hard on his pooter and I only see him when he reads me my bedtime story. Mammy got him this weekend as a present even though it's not his birthday or chrissmas. I like presents and mammy says if I'm good, she'll get me and Wupet a new toy soon.

- "I'm okay Daddy. Awe we nealy day yet?"

I'm tired now. We've been driving forever.

- "Nearly, honey" says Mammy in the front. "And what have I told you about pronouncing your r's?"

- "Ah leave him" says Daddy, "He's tired and he's been very good".

He winks at me and turns back to the puter on his knees. I look out the window again. It's getting night.

Mammy showed me pictures of the hotel we're going to on the pooter. It looks nice, but there's no pool. I like to swim. I don't wear my arm wings any more cept in the sea but this isn't at the sea, it's in the country and it's near mountains so mammy said we might go for a big walk except we can't tell daddy, it's his surprise.

it's raining outside. I'm tired. I go sleepy now.

- "C'mon son, we're here. Wherever here is..."

Daddy sounds surprised. "Supwise Daddy!" I say as I wake up. "Do you like it?"

He doesn't say anything but when I see where we are, I know why not.

- "Mammy is wong" I say, "This isn't your supwise!" I don't like it here.

"Oh I'm sure it will be fine, d", daddy says, calling me my favourite nick name cos it's like uncle darr calls daddy. He lifts me out of the car and I look at a place that doesn't look like the photos on the pooter at all at all. It scary and it looks worse in the nighttime. I put my head into Daddy's shoulder and close my eyes as we follow Mammy into the place. She's at a desk talking with a strange man.

"I'm sorry Missus" he says "But I don't know about no photos on any auld inter neh now. I just got your name here from the telephone. You'd have to speak to the boss about that. We only look after the place, meself and me wife and me childer. The boss is the wan you need to see."

She turns to Daddy with a sad look on her face.

"I'm sorry honey" she says "I can't believe this is where we ended up after all that driving. What do we do?"

Daddy let me down on the floor and I looked around. It was dark in this hall. I could hear people in the place. Someone was singing but they weren't very good - even worser than daddy. There was a noise like an evelator. The carpet looked like playdoh burgers. Mammy told Daddy his surprise, that we were meeting Daddy's friends here tomorrow and we could go after that. Daddy gave mammy a hug and turned to the man behind the desk who was using his pencil to pick his nose. He was gross. A big snot face. I don't like him.

Daddy got the key and we walked to the evelator. I don't like evelators - they make funny noises. I was carrying my own bag because I'm a big boy now. It's a special bag. It's got the boy from uncle David's book on it.

We're waiting for the evelator when all of a sudden I hear a sound.

Wap wap wap wap wap

It's so loud! It gave me a big fwight. I turn around looking for it. What's making that noise? Is it the evelator?

WAP wap wap wap WAP

"What's wrong, Darr?", mammy says, "are you okay?"

I want to cwy but I won't. I got a fwight fwom the scawy evelator noise I say.

"What noise?" she asks. "The singing?"

"No" I say, "the big wap noise!"

"The what, honey?" she says. Daddy turns and says the evelator's not working so we walk all the way up the stairs to our rooms on the very top floor. I look at the number on the door. It's like granny's house - 33.

We go in. Mammy uses her phone light to find the switch. The room is smelly. It smells like a nappy but I don't wear a nappy or pull ups any more because I'm a big boy now. There's 5 beds in the room and they all look stinky. I don't like it here. There's no toys like in the other place we were in. There's one light with no cover and a big lamp and a rope in the ceiling that daddy said must be to the attic.

"No TV, no minibar, no towels. Lucky we bought our own toilet trees" says mammy. I'm tired and she puts my blanket down on the bed and pulls out my sleeping bag and I get Wupet and I go sleepy again. Since I got out of the hopsadiddle I have been very tired but I'm getting better the doctor says. I got a medal from the nurse for running the fastest.

WAP WAP wap wap wap

I wake up suddenly. That noise was in bed with me! I look around but it's sooo dark and I can only hear nothing and mammy and daddy aren't there!

"Daddy?" I say. He wakes up and comes over. "What's wrong Darr?", he says. The noise woke me up! I say. The big WAP noise.

"I didn't hear any noise, son" he says. "You must have had a bad dream."

"No daddy, I head it when we got here. It sounds like wap wap wap."

He smiles at me. He thinks I'm being funny. He puts his hand on my head where the hair is starting to grow back. I need to go wee wee. I tell him.

He says there's no light in the bathwoom so we have to go to the one outside the door. Daddy is with me so I don't mind. We leave the woom quietly so we don't wake mammy and we go into the hallway. We go down to the steps and


I jump up and now I don't need to go wee wee in the bathwoom any more. I start to cwy even though only babies do that and I'm not a baby.

When daddy asks what's wrong I tell him about the big WAP noise again. But he says he didn't hear it. He brings me back to 33 and he has to switch on the light in the woom and mammy wakes up and asks what's wong and I have to get baby wipes all over and then new peejay bottoms and they ask me about the WAP noise and they say it must be my medsin but it's NOT my medsin I can hear it!

They put me back in my bed. I ask Wupet if he hears noise but Wupet says he was asleep. Silly billy bayo.


I scream. "I don't like the wap noise. Make it go away. Make it go away. I don't want it any more!"

Mammy and Daddy both come over. They give me big hugs and tell me there's no sound but I hear it and they bring me back to their bed and I can't go asleep because my eyes are putting water out and they wonder if they should give me medsin and mammy says but Darr he's been okay for such a long time maybe we should wait until morning and we'll ring the doctor and daddy says okay. I lie down in the middle and they go sleepy too.


I run and turn on the light. "Did you hee wit?" I shout at them even though I know shouting is bold and only for babies "Did you hee wit now?"

The big ugly tefelone in the room rings. Daddy answers it and talks to the person shouting. "Yes, no, just a bad dream. Yes we'll try. Sorry."

"You'll have to come back to bed, Darragh" he says. "That was the front desk. They've had some complaints about your shouting."

I start to cwy just as the WAP WAP WAP WAP WAP noise starts again. I run to the bed and I pull the covers over my head and I don't mind seeing that mammy and daddy forgot their peejays I just do not want to hear the noise again.


I hold on to my daddy so so tightly. He asks me if I keep hearing the noise. I say yes and he and mammy talk and


they want to give me medsin and I say no and I say to daddy he should ring the snot man at the desk and he should ask about the wapping noise and daddy looks at mammy and he picks up the tefelone and he rings the desk and I hear the man talking and he says he doesn't know what the sound is but he'll send someone up and Daddy hangs up and tells me and


right in the room, right in the bed and now I see that Daddy and Mammy can hear it too.


"What the feck is that?" says mammy sounding scared. She used the bad word. The eff word.


it's the loudest ever and Mammy and Daddy and me have to put their hands over their ears because it's even louder than fireworks and I don't like fireworks noise and


Daddy picks up the tefelone and says now he can hear it too and the man says that he doesn't know but he'll send up his wife and she'll be there once she wakes up and Daddy puts the phone down and


Mammy has put all the lights on now and is using the torch on her mobile and she's now wearing daddy's jeans and he's wearing his trackie bottoms and I'm scawed and they are looking and they go to the door


and into the hall and say they can only hear the noise in our room so they come back in and


they open the wardrobes and look under the bed and they can't see anything!


I'm holding Daddy's hand and I say that the noise is coming from the roof and he looks and he says that I'm right and I'm a good boy and


he and mammy talk and they decide they'll have to go up and they get the chair and they put it on the ground and daddy reaches up for the rope and pulls but the door only opens a little and


comes the noise from the attic and Daddy and mammy try to pull the door open but it's stuck and the noise is definitely coming from there and mammy says maybe we should wait for the lady but daddy says the man probley hasn't told her and that we'd leave soon but we needed to show me there was nothing to be scared of even though I can see that mammy is very scared now but they couldn't get in the attic and


I decide that I'm bwave and I say to them "I'll go into there and see" and mammy says no but every time we hear


I can see she wants to cwy and mammy did a lot of that in the hopsital and I don't like seeing it so I say to daddy "Daddy I'll go. I can fit, like under my bed at home. It will be my adventure. I'll go and I'll see" and daddy says "But we don't know what's up there" and I tell him I'm a big boy and I'm not afwaid and I'll go up and I'll bring mammy's phone for a light and he hugs me very close and he says he's pwoud of me for being such a fighter just like in the hopsital and mammy hugs me too and starts to cwy again. She has very leaky eyes.


and she gives me her phone and she turns on the light and daddy puts my cool runners on my feet and he lifts me up and I climb onto the door and I bend weally low like under my bed at home when I'm playing hide and seek with Wupet and I put the phone in my jammies pocket and I go up into the attic which is much bigger and more dark than the one at home but I go for my mammy and my daddy.


There's not very much light in the attic. I can only see boxes and shapes. I think I hear mice but I'm not scared of mice cos they are of me and daddy is a little girl, he's scared of mice like a girl. I think I see a pooter but that's silly because why would a pooter be in the attic?

There's a window like a circle and I can see the light outside and it's over in the corner and I go forward with the phone like a jedi knight like luke skywalk and I use the force and I walk a bit in and then I see a big wardrobe in the corner like the ones in the books about Nawneea that daddy reads to me but don't tell mammy cos they're too big and I walk towards it and it's huge with two big doors and lots of marks on the front and one door is open slightly and it might be a Monsters Inc door into here and I might get to meet Sully and Mike Wowchowski and I walk forward and the light on the phone switches off!


It's definitely coming from the wardrobe and there's enough light in the window without the phone and I hear daddy asking me if I'm okay and I say yes it's coming from the wardrobe and he says don't open the wardrobe and I say


that I have to stop the noise and I walk forward though I'm scared and I'm glad I went wee wee earlier because I want to now. The door is moving but I can't feel any wind.


The handle looks like a big ugly anmal face but I know mammy is crying cos I can hear her and I want to be a big boy and I make myself step up to the door and I put out my hand and suddenly there's a lot more light from another place and a new woman comes through another door into the attic holding a torch and she sees me and she's big and has grey hair and is wearing a big dressing gown with a fox on it and I think the fox is real and she smiles a smile at me and says

"Well hello day young man. Who awe you and what awe you doing hee?" and she sounds like me cos she can't pwonounce r's either and I tell her and she says "Oh don't be skade by that" and she brings me to the big press and she takes out a key and she holds my hand and I'm a little scared but she has the light.

Mammy is calling at me and I say "I'm with the woman" and she says WHAT WOMAN? and she tries to open the door and bangs on it and shouts and tells me to run away and Daddy tells me to come back to where he is and I don't because I'll find out what the WAP WAP noise is and mammy will stop being scared and the woman turns the key and I can hear mammy crying and calling my name again and again and the big door swings open with a loud creak and a big


and then inside there only things that must be making the noise and she takes them out and she goes over to the door to where mammy and daddy are banging and she turns a handle to make the stairs go all the way down and I go down first to a big hug from mammy and the lady goes down after and says to daddy

"I am the woman of this house and I'm sowwy for you twubble this night. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. But you have a vewy bwave little boy. I'd look after him if I weh you."

And daddy says but what was the noise as she opens the door to the hallway

And I let go of my mammy and I walk over to my daddy and I tell him I want to tell him and he bends over and scoops me up and gives me a big huge hug and I whisper right into his ear

"It was big woles of wapping paper."

and the woman steps out of the woom holding them and closes the door behind her.


  1. Intweeging.

    Excellent stuff.

  2. How twagic!! Excellent idea doin' it from an ickle kid's perspective. How very Shining of you :)

    Entertained I am!

  3. So you let the kid live in the end?



  4. @Rick Everything doesn't always have to end in death. :) I likes it Doyle - excellent.

  5. I'm longing for the gween gween gwass of home.

  6. I'm just waiting for someone to write that it was a pile of cwap :-P

    It's a much better story to tell verbally actually, but I enjoyed the challenge of trying to write it.

    @Maxi - you evil twisted genius, thanks again for the challenge and opportunity

    @k8 - I dunno if I should even talk to you after your story! You scare me. A lot!

    @rick - I did, but only because I couldn't think of how to kill him. *Someone* else had taken the werewolf idea :-P

    @Darren - thanks and thanks for the advice in creating it

  7. Excellent stuff! Have a two-year old that speaks just like you write... Laughing my ass off!

  8. I scare me too.

  9. @H - awww, how cute. I wasn't thinking of your kid though. Honestly. Funny enough though, won't it be freaky if my first kid actually does talk like that?

    I borrowed wholesale from John Boyne and Terry Pratchett for the kid character. He just seemed like someone I'd like to write about.

  10. Wound of appawse!

    Did you base the kid on a young Jonathan Ross?

  11. @Darren It is Halloween.... :-P

  12. Hah, that was brilliant. Nice timing with all the Jonathon Woss business in the news.

    Great story Darragh :D

  13. Oops, didn't read Lottie's comment about Jonathon Ross! wasn't pilfering I swear!

  14. ah, the classic mystery-noise ghost story; if only we had a campfire!

    Well done!

  15. @lottie - not on a young Jonathan Ross, no. Actually on a dream I had though!

    @Tatty - thank you so much :-)

    @annelicious - thank you my dearest. Timing is coincidental purely...

    @susan - indeed! Marshmallows for me. Chocolate too. Ooh and biccies and we can make smores!

  16. What a shaggy dog stowy. Vewy funny! Not at all what I expected. Ought to wap you with a knuckle sanwich!