What sort of Irish pub do you like?

If it's drink you want and plenty of feeding, and you like the bed as well
Grab the wife, throw the kids in the Datsun, make for Inch and the Strand hotel
If talk of turf drives you crazy, and you can't face a bale of hay
Make for Foley's, work the topshelf, talk puck, pints and the GAA

Christy Moore - Casey

Twenty talking about Ron's and jothemama on 49£s talking bar food got me thinking about pubs. Specifically the type of pubs I drink in and what and where I like. Living in Dublin the past 10 years or so I'd imagine I've drank in many of the bars in the city. I'd know a few.



Recently though I've grown bored of pub culture, of drinking and of the discomfort, the noise, the too-many-peopleness, the high prices and bad service in pubs. It's turned me off the whole thing and unless it's been something or someone important I've tended to avoid going in altogether.

I'm no big drinker by any means (two or three Guinness max) but for someone whose friends like to meet in pubs, who revolve social activities around pubs and who fancy a pint with a friend, well, it's not been much fun.


Photo of Mick Doyle's by Meophammon on Flickr

The small village I'm from in Co. Kilkenny has, to my knowledge, 15 pubs for the 1,500 people or so who live there. Some of them, like Mick Doyle's (no relation) above are also grocery stores, off licenses, fishing tackle providers and a place you'd buy a carton of milk when the local Super Valu is shut.


Photo on interior of Mick Doyle's by lhourihan on Flickr

They are more so social centres, hubs of chat, gossip and music for the locals, escapes from the cold and refuges, like Christy Moore's Foleys, for a chat and a catch-up. You'd know a few people there and they'd know (and probably be related to) you.

There are of course differences between pubs - The Globe would be for a younger crowd, with the DJ or a live group in every weekend. The Duiske has an older crowd and is great for a Sunday carvery. Tom O' Shea's is more for the farmers, situated as it is as the last pub before you leave the town. The Cosy would have the more trad singers, the guitar and voice groups in while Frankie Murray's at the bottom of the town seems to open when it feels like and is the epitome of an old man's pub.



The pubs I go to in Dublin are similar. I tend to prefer the IFI for the easy going atmosphere, the Church is a great place to bring the folks, or tourists (and have a great beer garden with barbeque on a sunny day), the Market Bar have free wifi, O'Neills does a great pint of Kilkenny, Doyle's have retro music playing on the weekends, The Bank is convenient for the bus, The Blarney Inn on Nassau Street does a great breakfast, Brogan's on Dame Street are hard to beat for Guinness, The Westbury is always luxurious, Grogan's and Dakota on South William Street are always good and Laura's choice for the recent Tweet Up, the Bull and Castle proved to be great with plenty of room and interesting choices of beers. I'm also really starting to like the Bernard Shaw at Portobello, as studenty as it is.



There's not many I can think of in Temple Bar that I've enjoyed being in, though the Mezz, opposite the IFI has become a visited-more-than-twice pub. Northside other than the Church, I like The Woolshed when, on the rare occasion, it's not too full, I liked the space in the Cobblestone (above) and even Fibber Magees tends to be interesting. The Bar in Cineworld is grand for a quick pint before the film or Toddy's bar beside the Savoy. The Lotts is a place I used to drink and... well, we could be here a while.



Okay, so what makes a good bar? I mean, if I had the space, the money, the resource and the capacity to build one, what would it be like? The Carlsberg one from the ad (was that 4 Dame Lane?) was grand, but could it be improved on?

Layout:

• It would have a layout similar to the IFI, possibly in a restored building like the Church. Somewhere open, interesting and memorable. I like the thought of different bars on different floors, and different types of music for people.

Décor:

• A mixture of stools at the bar and then comfortable chairs with low tables. Fully wheelchair friendly and accessible, you could get around and sit down without having to sit on some stranger's lap (unless you wanted to...) I'd probably always have an exhibition of something arty on the walls.

Staff:

• Senior waiting/serving staff would be Irish or at least have excellent English. This is borne of my own bad experiences with staff struggling to understand what I'd term simple requests. My own spoken style is clear and distinct - I'd expect theirs to be the same.
  
  I would though have staff who spoke different languages, including Irish, to make sure everyone could be understood.
  
  
• Important too would be to hire locals. People who knew the area (and could give directions/recommendations when asked), who'd recognise your face if you were a regular and who would generally make you feel welcome.
  
  
• Waiting staff would remember your table, remember your order, keep an eye on when you (and the rest of your group) arrived, sat down, had your meals and finished and wouldn't have to be asked more than once for something. They'd always bring a jug of water and glasses and never forget the bottle opener or the knives and forks.
  
  
• Bouncers, finally, would be there to help people in as well as deter the trouble makers. At closing time there'd be none of this "get out, get out, havyisnohomestogoto" but allow people to finish their conversations and drinks. They'd always have a local taxi number.

Food and drink:

• This is always a tough one, though I think I'd at least have scones and a selection of sandwiches for the tea drinkers. Definitely both crisps (not just Pringles) and peanuts, a great coffee machine and barista and a wide selection of beers and wines.
  
  Meals I'd probably do in the evenings between 5 and 8 or at the weekends all day only. Weekend carveries with a great chef and cook and then a reasonable selection of bar snacks, platters and so on. There'd be none of this "oh we're not serving tonight, it's the Tuesday after a Friday night hour long episode of Corrie" crap. There'd always be something.
  
  
• Don't/can't drink? No problem! All the water comes with complimentary dash of lime/blackcurrant, designated drivers get free soft drinks all night and if you ask for a tap water you don't get looked at like you've just offered to give someone leprosy.
  
  
• The Guinness would be top notch. Always.

Music:

• Important to me would be to try help foster Irish musical talent - the people who love to get up there and sing their own tunes. Open mic nights would be a must.
  
  Otherwise it would be musically niche (as in not just chart stuff all the time), or at least be suited specifically to the customers. Saturday afternoon might be Spanish guitar playing, Thursday night a singer songwriter, Friday a bit of ceol and a sing-along, Sunday a selection of 70s and 80s hits and at Christmas I'd allow charity carol singers in for an hour or three.
  
  After hours there'd be a good band or dj and enough space to have a comfortable dance. There'd be no seats on the other side to have to navigate through dancers with pints in hands. No way.
  
  The music would never be too loud, and there'd be a place to escape to where it wouldn't bother you.

Functions:

• I'd be picky. None of your 21st, stag parties or hen nights for me. I'd invite the table quizzes, the launches, the tweet-ups, the movie clubs and generally the people who aren't going to drink themselves stupid and wreck the place.

Facilities:

• What's there for you? Well, the wifi would be fast and free and the tables suited for laptops. Maybe a specific area. Equally for the matches there'd be a comfortable area for that, away from those who didn't want to get involved.
  
  There'd be chess boards definitely, the daily newspapers and probably a take one, leave one bookshelf. I'd have a box of pens kept behind the bar. There'd be two ATM machines and for the smokers there'd be heaters outside.

Toilets:

• The toilets would be clean. I can't quote better than Twenty in his description of Ron's:

  "... cubicles which are fully enclosed as Ron appreciates his customers, if they want to move their bowels, don’t want to have to worry about being overheard or people looking at their underpants as they wait patiently by their ankles during business time."

  There'd always be plenty of toilet roll, soap and handwash, though there wouldn't be staff handing you towels. I'd have the Dyson hand driers in though.

What do you reckon? Would you join me there for a pint? I mean it's all very well saying "ah sure good company and conversation is all you need", because we often settle for that, but where do you like and where would you like to drink?